


Waking Up Memories

by Fallen_angel_of_time23



Series: Haylellujah Gift Fics [3]
Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-14 20:56:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21022145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallen_angel_of_time23/pseuds/Fallen_angel_of_time23
Summary: If Raphael is created when Zira and Crowley combine - what happens when he wakes up for the first time in 6000 years?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [haylellujah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haylellujah/gifts).

Something was off. The sky looked familiar. Wait, no. That wasn’t it. Couldn’t be it. There’s nothing wrong with something being familiar. Oh… but maybe…? The sky. It was a new color. It was a familiar new color. Why is a new color familiar?

It was… it was the color of… hold on. Almost there… It was the color of something old. Something long ago. Maybe even forgotten. Something that could – or should – never be seen again. It was… it was… it was…

Oh, blast it! It was _something_ from the past.

One day the memory would return. They always do. Can’t say how I know. Just do. Memories are like me. I always find my way back from the darkness, too. I always come home. I am eternal. I am forever. I am… I am… who am I?

I don’t remember my name.

It will return. Like memories. Like me. It is never lost. Never gone forever. My name will come back to me. And I will wait, unworried. For I know I am more than a name. My name belongs to me, but I do not belong to my name. I am more than that. I am… I am…

I am the cosmos. The stars and the planets. The asteroids and the galaxies. They are me. Born from my skin, my blood, my tears. My hair, my hope, my faith, my love. They are me. And I am them. Their soul, their fire, their light, their power. Their strength. Their quiet. Their peace. Their fury. I created the cosmos. I bore them from myself. I am them. I am… I am…

I am love. I am the eternal commitment made between two beings. I am fluttering hearts and joyous souls. I am the feeling of being so filled with peace and joy just from the sight of the other. I am made from the fear of getting hurt and the comfort and reassurance it won’t happen. I am made from the unwillingness to be vulnerable and the discovery that it strengthens. I am made from the worry over another and the vow made to always protect them. I am surprise gifts, gentle touches, soft kisses. I am late nights, lazy days, and hugs that feel like home. I am love. I am… I am…

I am two beings. I am a love for books, and a disbelief in authority. I am a dedicated to my purpose, and I am asking too many questions. I am cocoa and plants. I am magic and naps. Tartan and black. Blue and gold. Practical and hopeful. Blinded by loyalty and blinded by love. I am light and ash. I am flying and falling. Fire and Water. Heaven and Hell.

I am Aziraphale. I am Anthony J. Crowley.

I am an Angel. I am a Demon.

I am an Archangel.

I am Raphael.

I have awoken, and I _remember_.

* * *


	2. Time and Time Again

“Come up with something or, or, or, or I’ll never talk to you again!” Aziraphale lowered the flaming sword in his hand and met Crowley’s eyes, hoping – praying – the demon would surprise him one last time.

Crowley, looking up at his desperate Angel, knew it was now or never. If he didn’t do _something_ Armageddon would be unleashed upon Earth, and there would be no stopping it. Without giving it much thought, Crowley did the first thing his instincts told him to do: he grabbed the Angel’s hand and _pulled_ while he threw up his other hand.

Time stopped. And with it, the landscape changed. They were no longer at the Tadfield airbase. They were in a sandy desert, the sun and a blue sky overhead. They recognized it immediately. They were at the beginning of everything, the birth of the Earth. Eden hadn’t even been created yet. The Angels weren’t divided. No one had Fallen.

Adam stood staring at the endless sea of sand before him, with a smile. Something in his subconscious recognized this place too.

"Is the sand supposed to represent potential or a paradox?” When he didn’t receive an answer, Adam turned to look at the being on his left. He wasn’t shocked to find himself looking into four unblinking eyes. His powers now at their height, he knew without knowing that the being before him had been asleep for the last six thousand years and would need some time to wake up. Some time to remember.

Adam took the being’s hand in his and turned back to watch the wind in the distance make the sand dance. He had never been fond of deserts. He found them barren and boring. But something about this place intrigued him. Made him wonder, curious as to what he could build. Create. Despite seeing nothing but sand, Adam could _feel _the endless potential pulsing from the ground beneath him. And he knew. He knew that when humans are eventually created, they would walk upon this Earth. Upon this potential. They would soak it up, generation after generation. They would use it to create, to build. And each generation they would return it to the Earth for those to come. They were so wondrous, humans. The only beings capable of harnessing the Earth’s potential. How could anyone want to eradicate them? The Earth wouldn’t survive without their cycle of harnessing and returning potential. It would revert to this desert. Is this really the eternity Angels and Demons alike wanted?

Staring into the expanse before him, Adam came to the conclusion he did _not_ want Armageddon to happen. He would put an end to this nonsense once and for all once they returned. He was brought out of his thoughts when his hand was gently squeezed. He turned his head just in time to watch the being blink.

“Hello, I’m Adam! Have you woken up?”

“Hello, Adam. Yes, I’ve awoken. And I remember _everything_.”

“That’s good! Can we go back now? There’s something I need to do.”

* * *


	3. Family Reunions

Gabriel didn’t quite know how to process seeing Aziraphale desperately pointing his sword at Crowley one minute and then being face to face with the last being he ever thought he would see again the next. Let alone see at the end of the World. It was rather terrifying, though he would never admit that aloud. By the scream that originated from beside him, he figured Beelzebub had no argument letting their fear be proclaimed loud and clear.

In fact, the more he thought about it, screaming and running away back to Heaven sounded more and more like a good—

No, no, no, _no_. He was the Archangel Fucking Gabriel. He was _not_ going to be frightened off by a Fallen Angel if the Devil himself didn’t scare him. He was _not_ going back to Heaven.

__________

Raphael lowered their arm once they had arrived back at the Airbase, though they made sure to keep their other hand firmly in Adam’s. The kid deserved all the support they could offer since he was about to face down his Father. The Devil, himself.

A scream drew their attention to their right and Raphael’s eyes met Gabriel’s for the first time since the Dawn of Time. They could see the fear hidden behind the stubborn determination Gabe was known for. The shake of his shoulders, almost imperceptible, counterbalanced by the straight rigidness of his spine. Their brother was terrified, and it filled them with a satisfaction that split their face with a slow smile.

“Gabriel,” They said, with the relaxed aura of someone who was unconcerned with the current state of the world. As if Satan himself was not almost to the Earth’s crust. “Surely you’re not frightened by your own brother? You’ve done nothing to incur my wrath, have you?” They continued on, no falter in their smile or relaxed posture. They watched as Gabriel slowly found the courage to open his mouth, but before he could speak Adam did.

“Armageddon is over.” The shock that swept over those at the Airbase made Raphael chuckle quietly. They quite liked Adam. He had wonderful timing.

“WhAT?!” Gabriel, whose attention had now been wonderfully diverted away from Raphael, was looking at Adam with the dumbstruck look of a Fool. “You can’t just _end_ Armageddon. What about the War?! The Final Battle between Heaven and Hell!”

"I don’t think I particularly want a war. No, I rather like Earth as it is. I don’t want it to end today.” Raphael felt pride bloom within him as he watched Adam stare down Gabriel without any hint of fear.

“**YOU CANNOT DISOBEY ME. YOU ARE MY SON. YOU ARE THE ANTICHRIST. YOU WILL BRING THE END OF TIMES. THE WAR TO END ALL WARS. YOU WILL RULE THE EARTH.**” Satan’s voice shook the Earth as he finally broke through to Earth’s surface. 

“Actually, you’re not my father. My father is Arthur and he wouldn’t want me to end the World. _He_ would say its rather rude. You’re not supposed to interfere in another person’s business.”

“How? How is this happening? I don’t understand.” Ah yes, they had almost forgotten about their brother. Gabriel was still standing in the same spot, the little demon next to him, both now looking like fish out of water. Raphael knew that look. It was what happened when an Angel no longer knew what their purpose was. When that Angel had no mission, no directions, no Plan to follow. Raphael _almost_ had pity for them.

“Of course, you don’t understand, Gabriel.” At the sound of their voice, Gabriel’s attention returned to them.

“Don’t play Holy, Raphael. You are still Fallen, _Brother_.”

“Oh _Gabriel_, you still don’t get it do you? I’ve waited six _thousand_ years for my components to come together in the most _mind numbingly slow _courtship ever to rise from the plane of non-existence just to say _Fuck You_, to none other than you. Well you and Michael. Now I was respectful enough to young Adam, here, to let him settle his matter before I settled mine. But since you are so apt to be a prick, I do believe I owe you a nice Family Reunion. Come, _give me a hug, _Gabriel. I’m positive you’ve missed them. You don’t mind do you, Adam?” Raphael spread their arms out to either side, tilted head smiling politely at their brother. They waved their fingers, beckoning Gabriel in as Adam laughed and shook his head, indicating Raphael could continue.

“**STOP THIS NONSENSE, RAPHAEL. YOU WILL NOT INTERFERE WITH MY PLANS ANY LONGER. ADAM, IT IS TIME TO END THINGS. DO IT NOW!**”

“Exactly, Raphael. You’re not an Angel any more. You have no place here. Stop interfering with the Great Plan right now, and _maybe_ you won’t be punished.” Gabriel stared Raphael down with a confidence that could rival God’s. Raphael narrowed their eyes, a twisted smile gracing their lips.

“Oh, you couldn’t be more right, Gabriel. _I am an Archangel no longer. _Half Angel, half Demon. Do you know what that makes me? It makes me _powerful. _It makes me _something new_. It means, _I don’t have to obey you_.” As they spoke Gabriel started to step forward, as if he was going to physically engage with Raphael, his sword appearing in his hand.

As he did, Raphael let go of Adam’s hand and slowly drew their powers to the surface of their form. They let their eyes glow brighter and brighter until Gabriel was forced to look at their chest, where their double set of wings fanned out, black and white surrounding them, ready to attack. They made sure the stardust of the cosmos could be seen in their skin, and the constellations decorated them like freckles. Galaxies swirled around in the feathers of their wings, and they grew to their normal height, towering over Gabriel. Sparks danced between their fingers on one hand, while the other gripped the handle of Aziraphale’s sword, now aflame with a blue fire. With a blink of their eyes, Gabriel’s sword turned to ash.

"Try that _AGAIN_! Try that again and see what happens. You separated me once, you and Michael. I WILL _NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN_! Six thousand years, Gabriel. SIX _THOUSAND YEARS_, I have lived in darkness, waiting. Waiting for the day I could avenge the pain you bestowed upon me, the wound you open, the life you took.” Raphael watched as Gabriel back-peddled so fast he tripped and landed, sprawled, on the ground. The Demon next to him scampered back to Hell. “You took my life, you took their love, and you think I will listen to you? No, Gabriel. Heaven no longer controls me. Neither does Hell. I am loyal to none but myself. So, if you dare to move against me, in fact is you even dare to breathe in Adam’s direction, I will not _hesitate_ to _smite your ass into the ether_.”

“**YOU WILL OBEY ME, SON! STOP RAPHAEL NOW, ADAM!**”

“You. Are. Not. My. Father.” Adam never raised his voice, but the finality and power in it came through crystal clear. Raphael watched as Satan was sucked back into Hell, the invisible ties that bound him to Adam, severed. They couldn’t help smiling down at Adam in praise. He had done it. Adam had sent Satan back to Hell and averted Armageddon. Raphael returned to his standard form as he watched Adam’s father drive up.

“Can someone please tell me what the _hell is going on here_?” Mr. Young looked far more tired and perplexed than angry when he stepped out of his car. The Them all ran over to Mr. Young with an excited babble of chatter, though Adam was mischievously quiet. Yes, Raphael was definitely fond of the boy.

* * *


	4. Same Grace, Different Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I definitely rewrote this fucking chapter 20 times trying to get the flow and characterization right. I'm still not happy with it, but it's 3am and I'm officially saying Fuck It. So, after working on this for over 12 consecutive hours with minimal breaks, here it is! Enjoy!

When it was obvious the humans were occupied with leaving and weren’t going to interrupt or pay any further attention to them, Raphael turned back to Gabriel.

“Are we done here?”

“This isn’t over,” Gabriel hissed, still on the ground.

“_Really_, must you dither on so?” Raphael sighed and rolled their eyes as Gabriel shakily got up; stumbling around like a drunk during an earthquake.

“You will be punished for what you did today! Heaven and Hell will not forget about this.”

“Let’s finish this. Right here, right now then. Go on, summon Michael and your legion of soldiers. Call forth the Demons from Hell.” Raphael let his True form bleed through his physical form, and Gabriel once again had to avert his gaze. “What is wrong, brother? You used to be able to look upon me without pain. What stops you now? Do you really expect to fight what you can’t even see?” Gabriel scowled at Raphael’s words.

“You have changed.” The confession was hissed so quiet Raphael almost missed it.

“We are done here.” Raphael wasn’t going to waste their time bickering with Gabriel if he wasn’t going to take this seriously. “I will burn Heaven and drown Hell if you come after me, or them.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Good.” Raphael stretched their wings, ready to leave Gabriel and return to the bookshop, but stopped when they noticed Gabriel shifting about. Even six thousand years later, and they could still read their little brother like an open book. No matter how angry he was, his fear always got the better of him.

“_What_, Gabriel?”

“What do I do now, Raphael? What do I do without a Plan? How do I lead? How do I keep their loyalty? How do I tell them this war – _the _War – isn’t going to happen? Raphael, _what do I do?_” Gabriel dropped to his knees as he spoke, eyes wide and fixed on Raphael’s.

“Oh, the _irony_! Behold! The one who betrayed me for asking a question is now overflowing with them! And he hasn’t Fallen!”

“Raphael, _please_.” Raphael narrowed their eyes and glared at Gabriel. They took the other Angel in, noting his honestly, fear, and the mental breakdown he was currently having.

“It is not my job to counsel _or_ console my abuser, Gabriel. No matter how pathetic you’ve become.” Despite the harsh words, Raphael’s voice was gentle. The older brother in him returning at the site of a self-tortured Gabriel.

“You think yourself my better now?” Raphael’s words had re-sparked the fury they knew so well in Gabriel. But it was only a spark.

“Gabriel, _little brother_. I have _always_ been your better. In _every form I’ve taken_.” They didn’t care what Gabriel was currently going through. They owed him nothing. Yes, it brought back memories to see him begging before them, but their heart was not that weak. Their components had suffered greatly for six thousand years – one of them at Gabriel’s own had. They were not about to subdue their anger now.

“I am not lesser than a Demon.”

“Maybe not, but you are certainly not above one now.” Gabriel physically recoiled at their words, body flinging backwards as if pulled or shoved by an invisible force. His face was twisted in a mask of pain, and Raphael felt empathy begin to grow in them.

Raphael felt their walls start to crumble as they realized that their little brother’s one and only fear was that his actions had made him worse than Evil incarnate. He was so afraid that he actively fought against the very _idea_ of it. Their empathy took over. They had been there, once upon a time. Well, part of them – Crowley – had been there. Believing he was beyond love, beyond saving, worse than the Devil himself. Yes, they knew what Gabriel was going through, to some degree at least. It didn’t excuse his behavior. It didn’t mean they forgave him. But it did allow them to give their brother a little mercy. In the form of tough love, of course.

“I am the Archangel Fucking Gabriel! I will not—”

“You are an Archangel who was begging at my feet not moments ago for mercy and direction! And you claim to be better than a Demon? A Demon who begs for mercy and direction at the foot of the Devil? If you were truly what you claim to be, you wouldn’t be bickering with me here on Earth but back there in Heaven. Leading with Michael! _Oh, little brother._ Look what you’ve become. The Great Archangel Gabriel. What happened to you while I’ve been gone? You once helped Lucifer and me hang the stars. Now you beg at the first sight of your own Free Will!”

Raphael watched as the fury they sparked in Gabriel died like a candle in a blizzard at their words. They watched as the effort he had been putting into holding it together snapped, and he physically reverted back to the corporeal likeness of his fledgling self. He had given up, and they were the only being there to help. Raphael silently cursed Her for always flipping the script on him. With a sigh and a soft voice, they spoke again.

“Think, Gabriel. If you truly believe the Almighty doesn’t play games with the Universe, then doesn’t that mean this was all part of the plan? Maybe not _The_ Plan, but perhaps Her Ineffable Plan? The one that cannot be put into words, and therefore one you cannot have known how to follow. Have you ever considered that there might be more than one Plan as a test? That if you carry out the wrong one, you would end up destroying yourself, and oh, I don’t know, maybe _the entire world too_? Just a thought, Gabe.”

“I… I never considered that…” Gabriel looked up at his brother, tears in his eyes. They could tell this was getting to be too much for him. It _was_ overwhelming to suddenly question Her.

“Not all questions are evil, brother. Free Will isn’t _bad_. It’s not a trap. Might even do you some good to use it.”

“You’re not trying to make me Fall?”

“_GO- SAT-SOMEBODY_! NO! I forgot how _annoying _little brothers could be! Gabriel, I am not trying to make you Fall. I am _trying_ to teach you a lesson! _Oh, why do I even bloody bother!_” The moment they finished speaking they knew it was a mistake. Raphael watched as Gabriel opened his mouth to bite back, hiccuped, swallowed back a sob, and then _launched _into a tear accompanied apology.

“I’m sorry, okay. I just— I keep trying to do the right thing, and I keep messing up! You shouldn’t have been kicked out of Heaven. I just felt so betrayed, and I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I was one of the ones who voted for your removal. And after that, I knew I mess up, and I didn’t trust myself to make the calls again, so I let Michael do most of the thinking and planning. I just made sure what she decided on got done. And I stuck to The Plan. I figured if I followed it exactly then I couldn’t mess up anymore. I was terrified of messing up again. I knew it hurt the people around me. And I know those are the kind of actions Angels Fall because of. And even though I figured I deserved to Fall, I was still terrified of it. Me! The Archangel Fucking Gabriel! I was actually terrified!”

Gabriel paused to breathe, not that he needed to. But it seamed to help calm him down. Raphael stayed quiet and let him finish. They wanted to see where this was going. It wasn’t long before Gabriel continued.

“I was terrified and alone. Michael and Uriel stopped trusting my judgement after your Fall, and no other Angel was brave enough to hang around an Archangel. Plus, you and Lucifer were gone. When you were there and I was scared you always protected me, talked me through my fears. And then suddenly you weren’t there anymore, and I had no one to help keep me safe, no one I could turn to for advice and guidance. I realize now that I have made a lot of decisions out of fear and not for the benefit of all. I am sorry I have made others suffer. I am sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. I am sorry I haven’t faced punishment for my actions while you have suffered needlessly. _I’m sorry I failed you, Raphael_.”

“Gabriel…”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’msorryI’msorry--”

“Gabriel!”

“If you’re going to punish me, just do it! She knows I deserve it!”

“I am not going to punish you, little brother.”

“I don’t understand. Aren’t you mad at me?”

“Oh, I’m furious. And you’re not getting away with this. But I’m not going to smite you for what you’ve done. I am not an Angel of Justice either. It is not my place to make you suffer.”

“Then… Then what will you do? I thought you wanted revenge?” Confusion and disbelief having grounded him, Gabriel’s form returned to his normal Earth likeness. Raphael noted, though, that his eyes – previously a purple he had acquired from a human on Earth – stayed the bright, innocent white they once were.

“I do. Trust me, I do. But my anger is temporary. One day it will die out. I will never forgive you for what you’ve done, Gabriel. But I would also never forgive myself for laying a hand on you when you are no threat to me. And who knows, maybe one day when my anger is gone, we can get along again.”

There was a short pause before Gabriel spoke again. His mouth a firm line as he debated if he should. Raphael smiled, internally. Their little brother really hadn’t changed. He was still an obnoxious little shit, who was ruled by the fear of failure and the desire to gain Raphael’s praise.

“I do miss you, Raph,” he said as moved to stand next to his brother.

“And I, you, little brother. But don’t think I won’t protect what I have. I miss you, but I wasn’t lying earlier. I will not hesitate to strike down anyone who tries to harm me or my components again. Do you understand me, Gabriel?”

“Yes. If I leave you alone, one day we might be able to be family again. But if I come after you, if Heaven or Hell comes after you, you will see only enemies before you.”

“Good. You do listen to me, still.”

The two Archangels fell into a natural silence, now standing side by side. They faced the horizon where they both watched the sun sink down, giving way to the night sky. As the stars appeared Gabriel heard Raphael breathe in deep, and he felt them calm immensely on the exhale. It wasn’t long after that, that Gabriel realized this was the first time Raphael was seeing the stars, _their stars_, in six thousand years. It sent a chill he didn’t know he was susceptible to, down his spine. Always one to run from fear, he broke the chilling silence.

“What will you do now?”

Neither of them looked away from the stars.

“I think, little brother, I will do whatever pleases me. I am awake for the first time in thousands of years. I have my components memories, but I am rather fond of making my own too. I think, Gabriel, I will explore the World. And when I am done, times will have changed for them – the humans – and I will explore it again. Or perhaps I will let my components settle down in a quiet, little cottage, and take pleasure from their happiness and love. This is what freedom means, Gabriel. I can choose my own path. One day I hope you learn how to do the same.”

“But what if you choose wrong?” Gabriel could feel the snake of fear coiling around his heart, squeezing tight, even though Raphael wasn’t talking about him. He clung to his brother’s next words, praying Raphael had an answer to the problem that long plagued him.

“Then I _learn_ and make amends. That’s the beauty of choice; it teaches you to be better. The same gift that allows you to choose, also allows you to try again. It does not grant you forgiveness, nor does it free you from consequences though.”

“Is that why I’m not dead?”

They finally turned to face each other, Gabriel as confused as ever, and Raphael smiling with a patience one acquired from being a middle sibling.

“Yes, Gabriel. Now go home. Go back to Heaven and try again. Do better. Teach our siblings how to choose their own paths. Lead not out of fear, but out of what’s best for the greater good. Talk to Michael and Uriel. You do not have to forgive them, but you can move on from the past. Yes, you have failed. But if you learn from this, you can be so _good_.”

“I can do it? You really believe in me?”

“You were the only one I ever had faith in, little brother. And, despite everything, I have faith in you even now.”

“Thank you, Raph.”

“Go home, Gabriel. And if you need me, I’ll be right here on Earth.”

“I promise, this time I’ll make you proud.”

“I know you will.”

“_Thank you_, Raphael.” Gabriel turned to go but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

“Oh, and Gabe?” Raphael’s voice had suddenly lost its warmth. Now stone cold and stern it made Gabriel fear his brother had changed his mind and was going to smite him.

“Yes?”

“If you touch my stars again, I will come after you. It may have been asleep for six thousand years, but I know my stars.” Raphael felt the relief that washed over Gabriel, and his façade crumbled into laughter.

“Maybe you haven’t changed, brother,” Gabriel said with all the anger he could muster, which wasn’t a lot. He was very happy Raphael was teasing him like they used to.

“Only time will tell,” Raphael said once they had stopped laughing, and had released Gabriel.

“We have that now.” Gabriel looked at Raphael over his shoulder, the realization finally hitting him. “It really is over – Armageddon, I mean. Would, um, would it be okay if I stayed? Just a little longer?”

“We have all the time in the World now, Gabriel. That means once things in Heaven are settled, you can visit me as often as you want.”

“I would like that.”

“So would I, little brother. But right now, they need you in Heaven.”

“They have Michael.”

“Michael is too blinded by her loyalty to The Plan to know how to lead. They need you.”

“Then I will go. I will do my best to bring peace and free will back to Heaven, and once there is some level of structure, I will return.”

“You know, the sky used to be white with the light of the stars. Too many are fading out. Maybe when you come back, we can add some new ones to the cosmos.”

“That would be to the benefit of the greater good.”

“Yes, it would.”

“Then I look forward to watching you restore the Cosmos.”

“And I am eager to see you restore the Heavens.”

“Quite a pair we are.”

“Brothers to the end, Gabriel. We might have grown up, but you know what they say.”

“What?”

“Same grace, different face.” With a smirk, Raphael took off into the air, leaving Gabriel to gaze up at the sky they disappeared into.

The Heavens were in safe hands now, and well…

Raphael was free.

* * *


End file.
